KILL

As a woman and a mother, you feel some connection with a child from the beginning. Not like you "know" them but there is something about sustaining a life. So, when I went to see Julie (voodoo) this week, I was not surprised at all when she said I was holding the word KILL in my lower back. I have had a previous back surgery and I started having numbness and nerve pain again recently. I moved some things that were a little heavy while I was quite angry and that seemed to pull everything out of whack...So this word, she explains, that I was holding in my back, was also attributing to my ongoing back problems. You see, I was the only thing sustaining the life of Joshua and Georgia Kate. Even though rationally I can "get" that I didn't do anything to harm them, I still was their life line... My body failed them in some way. I have felt that if I tried to have another child, I couldn't trust my body to nurture a child fully. I know this makes no sense considering I have the twins and they are healthy little beans. Our minds work in mysterious ways and make so many assumptions subconsciously that we can easily discount as irrational but the mind doesn't buy it. The main thing is now that I know I have this warped belief system I can actually see it crystal clear! Before now, I think it was so embedded I couldn't grasp the hold it had on me. It is a fear and a form of guilt. I know that neither is from God. Julie has helped start the process to purge this out and now I need to pluck it out as it comes to the surface and replace it with love, hope and assurance. There is my shrink purge for the day:) Man, you guys are going to quickly see how jacked my mind is:)