Heaven

Tonight M asked when he would go to heaven... This is groundhog day once again.. We go through this over and over.. Not for a LOOOONG time.. Well, I don't want to go.. Well, I don't want you to go for a loooong time either.. Tonight he said heaven wasn't a good place. Chad and I told him of all the things we thought heaven might be.... He didn't buy it. Why, does my three year old have to have such a heavy heart about such grown up issues. Why can't he just worry about which toy he'll play with or where we are going tomorrow?
The other night he had me in tears. He asked who Skyler's mommy was. This is a common theme right now in our home...who's related to who and how...I told him Kathleen was his mommy. He said, "No, Nana is his mommy. " I said, "No, Kathleen was his mommy." He said, "No mommy, Kathleen died and is in heaven and now Nana is Skyler's mommy." If this little child only knew how much I believe my mom would like to fill that void in Skyler's life and be a mommy for him. It blew me away. My mom loves so deeply, she wants to be there and make sure Skyler has everything he'd have with a mommy. I have been frank with my mom and told her she is killing herself trying to be Skyler's mom. She simply can't be his mom. His mom is Kathleen. Nothing she could do could ever change that or make up for his loss. She would let herself down at the end of the day because there will always be a void and pain from losing a mother. It tears me up to think of a life with out a mother. I also know God fills in the missing gaps and provides in unconventional ways. My brother is the most loving father I could ever imagine. I know God will provide for the Skyler and him in a way that gives them comfort. As for my mom, I think she felt she could heal them herself. I think the thing she needs to focus on is healing herself. She hurts and she is tortured my the thought that her son and grandson carry pain. She has to face Kathleen's death in her own life. She has been so busy with others. She hasn't taken time to morn her own loss. How can you give to others when you are not full? How do you have anything left when you give and give? The pain is so deep she doesn't want to go there. No one could ever replace Kathleen in her life or in Skyler's life. No one! she was an angel on earth sent to this world to show us what God's love is like. To make us aware of those that hurt and those in need. She softened our hearts and opened our eyes to a different world. She will never be forgotten and never ever replaced. If and when my M goes to heaven a looooong time from now, I pray she is there to greet him and he will know the woman that made me a better person, a better mom, and a better friend. I pray a looooong time from now, my mom will be there next to her with a big smile on her face with only peace in her heart . I love you mom, I love you K and I love you M... You all make me see things from in holier way.