something is missing....

Ever feel like something is missing? I do... every day...I try to squelch it or drown it out. I try to feel that void with something else... never gets full...its always still hungry. I feel like I am supposed to have another child. I feel like I need to take action to have that child now. I feel this drive or push to bring that child into my home. I don't even know how... adoption or through fertility...I am clueless, just know i need to do it. Problem is, we are not in the right place to embark on this journey. I need to get into nursing school and finish school. I need to bring home income. We don't have the cash flow to take this step. Either way, right now it isn't a viable option. The door isn't slammed shut but it feels that way. Georgia Kate was my hope, my healing and my future. I saw her as my life moving out of death and pain of Kathleen and Joshua. In the end, the pain she delivered was like no other pain I have felt. Like no pain I ever want to feel again. I think the more you want something, the more it hurts. With anything in life... a job, a house, a spouse, anything...The love I feel for a child is deeper than any emotion I have ever felt. I don't love my mom or dad the way I love my kids. I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids. So, that love, cuts to the core. Shakes your very existence and foundation. Like an earthquake and tornado in one. What's up is down but it is not that black and white. So the desire is stronger than anything I can explain. The need.... I feel it is like what an addiction feels like. A child will not "fix" my hurts and my pain. It will give me a new focus and a new path. It will bring me joy and give me another opportunity to love and cherish. There is not a better feeling in this life than loving another. It full fills me in every sense. It gives my life a higher sense of purpose. It may be selfish but if I could pick anything in the world to do, it would be to rock my babies and sing to them. It gives me such peace and brings me back center. It is a spiritual experience for me, most days. That is a feeling that drives this need. I hate his need, this twinge or desire. I wish I could pull it out of me, put it in a bag and burn it... I wish I could extinguish it before it causes more pain. I can't. I have to believe that God has a plan for me and my family and it includes filling that need. Some days I think that despite our financial status, Chad will walk in the door and say, let's do it. We'll make it work. He'll say lets go forward in faith. But I know it would add so much more stress to his life and mine and that would not be healthy for anyone in this family. I want this decision to come with a feeling of peace, not of uncertainty and added stress. I want this to be a step we take in love, not out of pressure or obligation. I don't want this joyous time to be overshadowed by poor planning and increased tension. I want this child to be right for us in every way. I know that time will come and I know that child is out there. I trust and remind myself to stay focused on hope for the future.