KILL

As a woman and a mother, you feel some connection with a child from the beginning. Not like you "know" them but there is something about sustaining a life. So, when I went to see Julie (voodoo) this week, I was not surprised at all when she said I was holding the word KILL in my lower back. I have had a previous back surgery and I started having numbness and nerve pain again recently. I moved some things that were a little heavy while I was quite angry and that seemed to pull everything out of whack...So this word, she explains, that I was holding in my back, was also attributing to my ongoing back problems. You see, I was the only thing sustaining the life of Joshua and Georgia Kate. Even though rationally I can "get" that I didn't do anything to harm them, I still was their life line... My body failed them in some way. I have felt that if I tried to have another child, I couldn't trust my body to nurture a child fully. I know this makes no sense considering I have the twins and they are healthy little beans. Our minds work in mysterious ways and make so many assumptions subconsciously that we can easily discount as irrational but the mind doesn't buy it. The main thing is now that I know I have this warped belief system I can actually see it crystal clear! Before now, I think it was so embedded I couldn't grasp the hold it had on me. It is a fear and a form of guilt. I know that neither is from God. Julie has helped start the process to purge this out and now I need to pluck it out as it comes to the surface and replace it with love, hope and assurance. There is my shrink purge for the day:) Man, you guys are going to quickly see how jacked my mind is:)

Heaven

Tonight M asked when he would go to heaven... This is groundhog day once again.. We go through this over and over.. Not for a LOOOONG time.. Well, I don't want to go.. Well, I don't want you to go for a loooong time either.. Tonight he said heaven wasn't a good place. Chad and I told him of all the things we thought heaven might be.... He didn't buy it. Why, does my three year old have to have such a heavy heart about such grown up issues. Why can't he just worry about which toy he'll play with or where we are going tomorrow?
The other night he had me in tears. He asked who Skyler's mommy was. This is a common theme right now in our home...who's related to who and how...I told him Kathleen was his mommy. He said, "No, Nana is his mommy. " I said, "No, Kathleen was his mommy." He said, "No mommy, Kathleen died and is in heaven and now Nana is Skyler's mommy." If this little child only knew how much I believe my mom would like to fill that void in Skyler's life and be a mommy for him. It blew me away. My mom loves so deeply, she wants to be there and make sure Skyler has everything he'd have with a mommy. I have been frank with my mom and told her she is killing herself trying to be Skyler's mom. She simply can't be his mom. His mom is Kathleen. Nothing she could do could ever change that or make up for his loss. She would let herself down at the end of the day because there will always be a void and pain from losing a mother. It tears me up to think of a life with out a mother. I also know God fills in the missing gaps and provides in unconventional ways. My brother is the most loving father I could ever imagine. I know God will provide for the Skyler and him in a way that gives them comfort. As for my mom, I think she felt she could heal them herself. I think the thing she needs to focus on is healing herself. She hurts and she is tortured my the thought that her son and grandson carry pain. She has to face Kathleen's death in her own life. She has been so busy with others. She hasn't taken time to morn her own loss. How can you give to others when you are not full? How do you have anything left when you give and give? The pain is so deep she doesn't want to go there. No one could ever replace Kathleen in her life or in Skyler's life. No one! she was an angel on earth sent to this world to show us what God's love is like. To make us aware of those that hurt and those in need. She softened our hearts and opened our eyes to a different world. She will never be forgotten and never ever replaced. If and when my M goes to heaven a looooong time from now, I pray she is there to greet him and he will know the woman that made me a better person, a better mom, and a better friend. I pray a looooong time from now, my mom will be there next to her with a big smile on her face with only peace in her heart . I love you mom, I love you K and I love you M... You all make me see things from in holier way.

Potty Training Bliss

I totally forgot to tell you guys this story.. The other day, I am just trying to run two errands... I get the boys in the car, after they have both used the potty and it starts about 8 minutes away from home.. Mommy, I have to go potty.. I can't wait... I can't hold it....I'm on the highway and I exit and pull over into a Kohl's parking lot. I am the prepared mom and have the froggy potty in the backseat. Blake is now sounding the alarm so I jump out and as I am unbuckling him, M starts to tell me he can't hold it and hurry. I throw Blake on a bush and run back to get M and grab the potty. An ambulance is driving through the parking lot. They stop. I see it out of the corner of my eye. Then they proceed to lay on the horn.. I'm not sure if it illegal what I'm doing or not but I really wanted to hide under a rock. Two boys, full frontal and the emergency techs bringing it to everyone's attention. I grab B and pull his pants up and throw him in the car and then go for M. I am still wondering if they consider that indecent exposure.. What's a mom to do? Should have done the Christian thing and shot them the finger....

M and my lightbulb about parenting....

M just walked in and said is it the last day mommy.. I said yes... He said well, I want to go every day to bible camp cause I like it... OK child of mine that doesn't always want to get up and go to camp on Tuesday and Thursdays... now you decide this...

Here is my new revelation...You can only can control yourself and your kids take your lead. You can only change how they react by how you react! Now this doesn't always ring true with children under the age of 3. But seriously.. it is all about your reaction and how you handle yourself....

M and I were playing prisoner.. Yes, I came up with it.. I chase you around the house and sweep you up and take you into my room where my bed is a lake full of alligators...you are tickle tortured by alligators...Well, this morning, a stuffed dog was on the bed so hyenas were tickling the prisoners. M is screaming hyweena, the hyweena is getting me... I love their emerging language and some days I wish they'd always talk like that! Some days I tell Chad not to correct them. It will work itself out soon enough! Let me have a giggle until then!

B's awake now!!! time to get ready for camp! oh and our last day of swimming with Mimi!! What will we do next week without any planned activities... I'm sure we'll find some mischief!

something is missing....

Ever feel like something is missing? I do... every day...I try to squelch it or drown it out. I try to feel that void with something else... never gets full...its always still hungry. I feel like I am supposed to have another child. I feel like I need to take action to have that child now. I feel this drive or push to bring that child into my home. I don't even know how... adoption or through fertility...I am clueless, just know i need to do it. Problem is, we are not in the right place to embark on this journey. I need to get into nursing school and finish school. I need to bring home income. We don't have the cash flow to take this step. Either way, right now it isn't a viable option. The door isn't slammed shut but it feels that way. Georgia Kate was my hope, my healing and my future. I saw her as my life moving out of death and pain of Kathleen and Joshua. In the end, the pain she delivered was like no other pain I have felt. Like no pain I ever want to feel again. I think the more you want something, the more it hurts. With anything in life... a job, a house, a spouse, anything...The love I feel for a child is deeper than any emotion I have ever felt. I don't love my mom or dad the way I love my kids. I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids. So, that love, cuts to the core. Shakes your very existence and foundation. Like an earthquake and tornado in one. What's up is down but it is not that black and white. So the desire is stronger than anything I can explain. The need.... I feel it is like what an addiction feels like. A child will not "fix" my hurts and my pain. It will give me a new focus and a new path. It will bring me joy and give me another opportunity to love and cherish. There is not a better feeling in this life than loving another. It full fills me in every sense. It gives my life a higher sense of purpose. It may be selfish but if I could pick anything in the world to do, it would be to rock my babies and sing to them. It gives me such peace and brings me back center. It is a spiritual experience for me, most days. That is a feeling that drives this need. I hate his need, this twinge or desire. I wish I could pull it out of me, put it in a bag and burn it... I wish I could extinguish it before it causes more pain. I can't. I have to believe that God has a plan for me and my family and it includes filling that need. Some days I think that despite our financial status, Chad will walk in the door and say, let's do it. We'll make it work. He'll say lets go forward in faith. But I know it would add so much more stress to his life and mine and that would not be healthy for anyone in this family. I want this decision to come with a feeling of peace, not of uncertainty and added stress. I want this to be a step we take in love, not out of pressure or obligation. I don't want this joyous time to be overshadowed by poor planning and increased tension. I want this child to be right for us in every way. I know that time will come and I know that child is out there. I trust and remind myself to stay focused on hope for the future.

some recent marshallisms...

Can I have honey on my hotdog?

"That is my favorite game, I used to play it when I was a baby"...(Oso games didn't exist 6 months ago, buddy)

M asked to go into the closet under my my mom's stairwell. I told him it was dark. He shut the door screamed and then said " be brave, be brave, be brave." and opened the door. Self talk always gets you through.. At some point you realize you don't have to say it out loud for everyone around you to hear...

At my Mom and Dad's house, M needed to go potty. We were upstairs and my dad's bathroom was our only option. M said, "Is this grandpa's potty?" I said yes... He said" Does he poop in here?" I said yes he does....

We had to go to the health department so I could get some vaccines for school. B had to potty and some man had just evacuated the bathroom. We opened the door and M said, "Somebody pooped mommy!" loud enough for everyone in the waiting area to hear him. I said I know and I can't do anything about it, brother has to potty... He proceeded to cough and gag and say "fix it mommy, it is stinky!" over and over...I was breathing through my mouth trying to get out as fast as I could for my sake....

today's rambles

Today is Wednesday or Thursday.. Does it even matter? Everyday is basically the same day... Wake up to children screaming for me to let them out of their rooms, yes, the baby proof knobs keep them from escaping their rooms at night. Call CPS if you like... I sleep better knowing they can't escape my house or hurt themselves in the middle of the night... after all, I have the spy camera in their rooms to make sure they are ok while they sleep and if they escaped I couldn't see their every move. We live Big Brother in this house. Chad says by the time they are teenagers I have to take down the spy cams...We'll see. So today we come home from a great playdate with Rhett and Wyatt and m asks me "Mom, can I go poop in my window?" Most people would think what the??  Well, my creature of habit stands at his window, under the drapes and poops, everyday around nap time. He is going to be one of those men... Schedules life around eliminations. My body has never done anything consistently so this is quite irritating to me. He likes his privacy and complains that I don't give him enough time to do his business. How old is this person? If this is any indication of the level of pampering this child may demand, some woman is in serious trouble. He still thinks he is going to marry me some day. Chad crushed his being last week and told him he couldn't marry me because it was against the law. He cried and said he was going to marry me and Blake would be our baby. Blake is fine with it. He is happy with the thought he will marry his cousin, Sarahbeth. She is more than 10 years older than him but he doesn't see that. I figure by the time he is in middle school Blake won't want to marry Sarahbeth and Marshall won't want to marry me so for now, let them dream. I think it is harmless. They have sweet crushes on their teenage babysitters. I figure it is perfectly natural and I can't control their little minds. Emotions shouldn't be squelched when they are innocent and harmless:) On the subject of emotions... my emotions have been all over the board. I had a great visit with Dr. Sue on Monday and it has helped me balance out the extremes. I was weepy for the past week. Anything about Kathleen, Georgia Kate, Joshua or a baby hit me raw...Our friend's son Caden is in a battle for his life against neuroblastoma. Reading his mom, Lexi's posts have cut me to the core. I think I am sooo blessed. How can I even compare. She is suffering with her child and watching the most horrific thing, her child in pain and dying. I find some comfort knowing my babies didn't suffer. I still can't grasp how this crazy world works and why it doesn't make sense...Why some get sick and some don't and why things happen so randomly. I am content knowing that I will NEVER understand this world. I don't have to have the answers. I always thought asking why was a sin. I have now learned, that until we ask why, we are not growing in our faith. We must question every fiber of our belief before we can understand who we are and what we believe. How do you learn if you never ask questions and if you never make mistakes. I know God wants us to trust him and I can accept that. I also know that many of the things I question, I believe are not from God. They are from the corrupt world we live in. We live through the consequences of those who came before us and their actions. God gives us free will and we have crapped on everything perfect he has provided for us. I don't think he causes pain or sickness. K always told me God wants us to be happy and healthy. I think we f''ed up the gifts he gave us. As for Caden, I believe God is grieving with his family. I think we are called to be God's hands and feet and bring love and hope to those who suffer.

What a ride...

What seems like a lifetime ago, Chad and I decided we were ready to have a child. We knew with my history, fertility would be an issue. We embarked on a journey of shots, medication and "scheduling" all aspects of our lives. We conceived Marshall and Blake on our last ditch effort of IUI. Sono showed ONE mature follicle so I wondered why we would waste this round that was hopeless in my mind. To our surprise, we got a call that my numbers where elevated and that they were not decreasing! However, they were not doubling at the usual rate. They were a little slow. A sono was scheduled and we saw TWO sacs! One had a heartbeat and the other one didn't. We were told that the one without a heartbeat would probably fizzle. We tried to keep this little bonus a secret. I brought home the sono pics of my blobs and instantly my mom said she saw two sacs... I tried my best to sway her. I told her it was my ovary or something else... she wouldn't back down. I confessed that she was right! Mom must have missed her calling to be a sonographer. I have trouble at times making things out! Three days later it was confirmed that the second sac had a heartbeat and it was TWINS!!! Our wild ride began! I was so excited but so nervous! The more I read the more concerned I was about preterm labor and premature babies. I ate right and went to water aerobics and tried to stay active! At 28 weeks, Marshall dropped. I went on modified bed rest and waited it out. At 33 weeks, my water broke and I delivered the boys on January 6th. They were healthy and thriving. They both spent time in the NICU and special care nursery but no major health problems to speak of. Just wimpy white boys! Didn't want to breathe. Marshall came home first and I was a complete mess leaving my Blake at the hospital. Chad and I juggled taking care of M at home and visiting B at the hospital. M wasn't allowed back in after he was discharged. This was heartbreaking to me! I was sure he would have issues like the babies in Russian orphanages that do not have someone to hold and love on them and they scream for love. Well, he hasn't shown any residual yet:)Today, M and B are healthy 3 and a half years old that don't look like preemies! they are chunky and active and right on target developmentally! We have been blessed beyond measure with these two precious children that we love more than life itself. more later.. I'll get caught up eventually... hang in there with me:)

I've meant to do this for at least 3 years now...

I figure since I've stopped writing down all the cute things my kids say and do, this would be a great place to keep that stuff for them and also let my mind ramble...As you all know, my mind is full of useless things just trying to escape! So here goes.. reflections first I guess!