Stop expecting superman!

Crazy as it sounds.. I am not the same person I was in August of last year.... The last time I wrote I was still stuck in the valley of pain. I feel like the windows are open again. I can see the light. I can decipher what is not seen. I can feel the light. One of the most influential people in my journey, Nikki, told me to read the book The Shack. My mom was worried it would be too much for me. It was just what my soul needed. It brought me back to center. It pulled me around that dark corner. It gave me peace and made me see the light once again. I was crazy angry at God... never knew I could be that angry and feel so abandoned. Growing up in a home where faith was your foundation, being angry at God was not acceptable. Well, there I was... pissed as hell. The few people I confided in said they would be, too. Problem was, I didn't want to be there! I wanted to lift that veil and feel the warmth again. I wanted to live in my euphoric world where God would make things better and take care of me. He wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle. I know I could never again enter that world but I have come to a happy medium. No, I don't think God is the author of evil things. Yes, I used to think he protected us from "bad".... Forgive my cynicism but that's a crock of shit. My God loves me enough to give his only son for my sinful ways. My God doesn't intervene in my life like I thought he did. He is not here to save us from pain. He is not here to heal us from sickness. He knows what is on the other side. That is where we are healed and protected. Here, we live with the consequences of the actions of man. They may have been actions centuries before us, but they are from man, not of God. My God doesn't punish us but let us live out the consequences of our actions and those that came before us. We do a great job of punishing ourselves. Now, along with reading The Shack, I have also started reading The China Study and doing research on eating alkaline. I am very interested on the role food and drink play on our bodies. I think it is profound to think that many of our maladies could be avoided if we ate fresh, clean food. There have been studies on this and the info is out there but it is just now slowly emerging as the cool thing. It is more and more obvious to me that we do not need animal fat in our diet. It blows my mind to see the intricate workings of our nations food industry including our schools and how they dictate what we consume. They dictate what we deem as healthy. Any other industry would say a study is flawed if the producer funded the study. Our food pyramid is a product of big business. The reason we feed our children milk and the reason we feel we must do this is because of marketing from the food industry. Osteoporosis is a funny thing. It runs in my family and I've always been told to drink milk and so forth. When you look at how your body works, you realize you can be causing the disease. If you have too much protein in your diet it will leach the calcium out of your bones...Milk is protein and you could very well make your situation worse...Anyway, I could go on and on.... especially about high protein diets and the risk you are placing on your body. So this goes back to my new realization that our lives could be a consequence of man's actions. If you don't take care of your body, the earth, your soul...you will see dis-ease....you will feel dis-ease....And somehow we expect God to come in and save us from ourselves when we don't learn from the past?!?! God ain't no superman....educate yourself and change or live with the consequences...

KILL

As a woman and a mother, you feel some connection with a child from the beginning. Not like you "know" them but there is something about sustaining a life. So, when I went to see Julie (voodoo) this week, I was not surprised at all when she said I was holding the word KILL in my lower back. I have had a previous back surgery and I started having numbness and nerve pain again recently. I moved some things that were a little heavy while I was quite angry and that seemed to pull everything out of whack...So this word, she explains, that I was holding in my back, was also attributing to my ongoing back problems. You see, I was the only thing sustaining the life of Joshua and Georgia Kate. Even though rationally I can "get" that I didn't do anything to harm them, I still was their life line... My body failed them in some way. I have felt that if I tried to have another child, I couldn't trust my body to nurture a child fully. I know this makes no sense considering I have the twins and they are healthy little beans. Our minds work in mysterious ways and make so many assumptions subconsciously that we can easily discount as irrational but the mind doesn't buy it. The main thing is now that I know I have this warped belief system I can actually see it crystal clear! Before now, I think it was so embedded I couldn't grasp the hold it had on me. It is a fear and a form of guilt. I know that neither is from God. Julie has helped start the process to purge this out and now I need to pluck it out as it comes to the surface and replace it with love, hope and assurance. There is my shrink purge for the day:) Man, you guys are going to quickly see how jacked my mind is:)

Heaven

Tonight M asked when he would go to heaven... This is groundhog day once again.. We go through this over and over.. Not for a LOOOONG time.. Well, I don't want to go.. Well, I don't want you to go for a loooong time either.. Tonight he said heaven wasn't a good place. Chad and I told him of all the things we thought heaven might be.... He didn't buy it. Why, does my three year old have to have such a heavy heart about such grown up issues. Why can't he just worry about which toy he'll play with or where we are going tomorrow?
The other night he had me in tears. He asked who Skyler's mommy was. This is a common theme right now in our home...who's related to who and how...I told him Kathleen was his mommy. He said, "No, Nana is his mommy. " I said, "No, Kathleen was his mommy." He said, "No mommy, Kathleen died and is in heaven and now Nana is Skyler's mommy." If this little child only knew how much I believe my mom would like to fill that void in Skyler's life and be a mommy for him. It blew me away. My mom loves so deeply, she wants to be there and make sure Skyler has everything he'd have with a mommy. I have been frank with my mom and told her she is killing herself trying to be Skyler's mom. She simply can't be his mom. His mom is Kathleen. Nothing she could do could ever change that or make up for his loss. She would let herself down at the end of the day because there will always be a void and pain from losing a mother. It tears me up to think of a life with out a mother. I also know God fills in the missing gaps and provides in unconventional ways. My brother is the most loving father I could ever imagine. I know God will provide for the Skyler and him in a way that gives them comfort. As for my mom, I think she felt she could heal them herself. I think the thing she needs to focus on is healing herself. She hurts and she is tortured my the thought that her son and grandson carry pain. She has to face Kathleen's death in her own life. She has been so busy with others. She hasn't taken time to morn her own loss. How can you give to others when you are not full? How do you have anything left when you give and give? The pain is so deep she doesn't want to go there. No one could ever replace Kathleen in her life or in Skyler's life. No one! she was an angel on earth sent to this world to show us what God's love is like. To make us aware of those that hurt and those in need. She softened our hearts and opened our eyes to a different world. She will never be forgotten and never ever replaced. If and when my M goes to heaven a looooong time from now, I pray she is there to greet him and he will know the woman that made me a better person, a better mom, and a better friend. I pray a looooong time from now, my mom will be there next to her with a big smile on her face with only peace in her heart . I love you mom, I love you K and I love you M... You all make me see things from in holier way.

Potty Training Bliss

I totally forgot to tell you guys this story.. The other day, I am just trying to run two errands... I get the boys in the car, after they have both used the potty and it starts about 8 minutes away from home.. Mommy, I have to go potty.. I can't wait... I can't hold it....I'm on the highway and I exit and pull over into a Kohl's parking lot. I am the prepared mom and have the froggy potty in the backseat. Blake is now sounding the alarm so I jump out and as I am unbuckling him, M starts to tell me he can't hold it and hurry. I throw Blake on a bush and run back to get M and grab the potty. An ambulance is driving through the parking lot. They stop. I see it out of the corner of my eye. Then they proceed to lay on the horn.. I'm not sure if it illegal what I'm doing or not but I really wanted to hide under a rock. Two boys, full frontal and the emergency techs bringing it to everyone's attention. I grab B and pull his pants up and throw him in the car and then go for M. I am still wondering if they consider that indecent exposure.. What's a mom to do? Should have done the Christian thing and shot them the finger....

M and my lightbulb about parenting....

M just walked in and said is it the last day mommy.. I said yes... He said well, I want to go every day to bible camp cause I like it... OK child of mine that doesn't always want to get up and go to camp on Tuesday and Thursdays... now you decide this...

Here is my new revelation...You can only can control yourself and your kids take your lead. You can only change how they react by how you react! Now this doesn't always ring true with children under the age of 3. But seriously.. it is all about your reaction and how you handle yourself....

M and I were playing prisoner.. Yes, I came up with it.. I chase you around the house and sweep you up and take you into my room where my bed is a lake full of alligators...you are tickle tortured by alligators...Well, this morning, a stuffed dog was on the bed so hyenas were tickling the prisoners. M is screaming hyweena, the hyweena is getting me... I love their emerging language and some days I wish they'd always talk like that! Some days I tell Chad not to correct them. It will work itself out soon enough! Let me have a giggle until then!

B's awake now!!! time to get ready for camp! oh and our last day of swimming with Mimi!! What will we do next week without any planned activities... I'm sure we'll find some mischief!

something is missing....

Ever feel like something is missing? I do... every day...I try to squelch it or drown it out. I try to feel that void with something else... never gets full...its always still hungry. I feel like I am supposed to have another child. I feel like I need to take action to have that child now. I feel this drive or push to bring that child into my home. I don't even know how... adoption or through fertility...I am clueless, just know i need to do it. Problem is, we are not in the right place to embark on this journey. I need to get into nursing school and finish school. I need to bring home income. We don't have the cash flow to take this step. Either way, right now it isn't a viable option. The door isn't slammed shut but it feels that way. Georgia Kate was my hope, my healing and my future. I saw her as my life moving out of death and pain of Kathleen and Joshua. In the end, the pain she delivered was like no other pain I have felt. Like no pain I ever want to feel again. I think the more you want something, the more it hurts. With anything in life... a job, a house, a spouse, anything...The love I feel for a child is deeper than any emotion I have ever felt. I don't love my mom or dad the way I love my kids. I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids. So, that love, cuts to the core. Shakes your very existence and foundation. Like an earthquake and tornado in one. What's up is down but it is not that black and white. So the desire is stronger than anything I can explain. The need.... I feel it is like what an addiction feels like. A child will not "fix" my hurts and my pain. It will give me a new focus and a new path. It will bring me joy and give me another opportunity to love and cherish. There is not a better feeling in this life than loving another. It full fills me in every sense. It gives my life a higher sense of purpose. It may be selfish but if I could pick anything in the world to do, it would be to rock my babies and sing to them. It gives me such peace and brings me back center. It is a spiritual experience for me, most days. That is a feeling that drives this need. I hate his need, this twinge or desire. I wish I could pull it out of me, put it in a bag and burn it... I wish I could extinguish it before it causes more pain. I can't. I have to believe that God has a plan for me and my family and it includes filling that need. Some days I think that despite our financial status, Chad will walk in the door and say, let's do it. We'll make it work. He'll say lets go forward in faith. But I know it would add so much more stress to his life and mine and that would not be healthy for anyone in this family. I want this decision to come with a feeling of peace, not of uncertainty and added stress. I want this to be a step we take in love, not out of pressure or obligation. I don't want this joyous time to be overshadowed by poor planning and increased tension. I want this child to be right for us in every way. I know that time will come and I know that child is out there. I trust and remind myself to stay focused on hope for the future.

some recent marshallisms...

Can I have honey on my hotdog?

"That is my favorite game, I used to play it when I was a baby"...(Oso games didn't exist 6 months ago, buddy)

M asked to go into the closet under my my mom's stairwell. I told him it was dark. He shut the door screamed and then said " be brave, be brave, be brave." and opened the door. Self talk always gets you through.. At some point you realize you don't have to say it out loud for everyone around you to hear...

At my Mom and Dad's house, M needed to go potty. We were upstairs and my dad's bathroom was our only option. M said, "Is this grandpa's potty?" I said yes... He said" Does he poop in here?" I said yes he does....

We had to go to the health department so I could get some vaccines for school. B had to potty and some man had just evacuated the bathroom. We opened the door and M said, "Somebody pooped mommy!" loud enough for everyone in the waiting area to hear him. I said I know and I can't do anything about it, brother has to potty... He proceeded to cough and gag and say "fix it mommy, it is stinky!" over and over...I was breathing through my mouth trying to get out as fast as I could for my sake....