KILL

As a woman and a mother, you feel some connection with a child from the beginning. Not like you "know" them but there is something about sustaining a life. So, when I went to see Julie (voodoo) this week, I was not surprised at all when she said I was holding the word KILL in my lower back. I have had a previous back surgery and I started having numbness and nerve pain again recently. I moved some things that were a little heavy while I was quite angry and that seemed to pull everything out of whack...So this word, she explains, that I was holding in my back, was also attributing to my ongoing back problems. You see, I was the only thing sustaining the life of Joshua and Georgia Kate. Even though rationally I can "get" that I didn't do anything to harm them, I still was their life line... My body failed them in some way. I have felt that if I tried to have another child, I couldn't trust my body to nurture a child fully. I know this makes no sense considering I have the twins and they are healthy little beans. Our minds work in mysterious ways and make so many assumptions subconsciously that we can easily discount as irrational but the mind doesn't buy it. The main thing is now that I know I have this warped belief system I can actually see it crystal clear! Before now, I think it was so embedded I couldn't grasp the hold it had on me. It is a fear and a form of guilt. I know that neither is from God. Julie has helped start the process to purge this out and now I need to pluck it out as it comes to the surface and replace it with love, hope and assurance. There is my shrink purge for the day:) Man, you guys are going to quickly see how jacked my mind is:)

Heaven

Tonight M asked when he would go to heaven... This is groundhog day once again.. We go through this over and over.. Not for a LOOOONG time.. Well, I don't want to go.. Well, I don't want you to go for a loooong time either.. Tonight he said heaven wasn't a good place. Chad and I told him of all the things we thought heaven might be.... He didn't buy it. Why, does my three year old have to have such a heavy heart about such grown up issues. Why can't he just worry about which toy he'll play with or where we are going tomorrow?
The other night he had me in tears. He asked who Skyler's mommy was. This is a common theme right now in our home...who's related to who and how...I told him Kathleen was his mommy. He said, "No, Nana is his mommy. " I said, "No, Kathleen was his mommy." He said, "No mommy, Kathleen died and is in heaven and now Nana is Skyler's mommy." If this little child only knew how much I believe my mom would like to fill that void in Skyler's life and be a mommy for him. It blew me away. My mom loves so deeply, she wants to be there and make sure Skyler has everything he'd have with a mommy. I have been frank with my mom and told her she is killing herself trying to be Skyler's mom. She simply can't be his mom. His mom is Kathleen. Nothing she could do could ever change that or make up for his loss. She would let herself down at the end of the day because there will always be a void and pain from losing a mother. It tears me up to think of a life with out a mother. I also know God fills in the missing gaps and provides in unconventional ways. My brother is the most loving father I could ever imagine. I know God will provide for the Skyler and him in a way that gives them comfort. As for my mom, I think she felt she could heal them herself. I think the thing she needs to focus on is healing herself. She hurts and she is tortured my the thought that her son and grandson carry pain. She has to face Kathleen's death in her own life. She has been so busy with others. She hasn't taken time to morn her own loss. How can you give to others when you are not full? How do you have anything left when you give and give? The pain is so deep she doesn't want to go there. No one could ever replace Kathleen in her life or in Skyler's life. No one! she was an angel on earth sent to this world to show us what God's love is like. To make us aware of those that hurt and those in need. She softened our hearts and opened our eyes to a different world. She will never be forgotten and never ever replaced. If and when my M goes to heaven a looooong time from now, I pray she is there to greet him and he will know the woman that made me a better person, a better mom, and a better friend. I pray a looooong time from now, my mom will be there next to her with a big smile on her face with only peace in her heart . I love you mom, I love you K and I love you M... You all make me see things from in holier way.

Potty Training Bliss

I totally forgot to tell you guys this story.. The other day, I am just trying to run two errands... I get the boys in the car, after they have both used the potty and it starts about 8 minutes away from home.. Mommy, I have to go potty.. I can't wait... I can't hold it....I'm on the highway and I exit and pull over into a Kohl's parking lot. I am the prepared mom and have the froggy potty in the backseat. Blake is now sounding the alarm so I jump out and as I am unbuckling him, M starts to tell me he can't hold it and hurry. I throw Blake on a bush and run back to get M and grab the potty. An ambulance is driving through the parking lot. They stop. I see it out of the corner of my eye. Then they proceed to lay on the horn.. I'm not sure if it illegal what I'm doing or not but I really wanted to hide under a rock. Two boys, full frontal and the emergency techs bringing it to everyone's attention. I grab B and pull his pants up and throw him in the car and then go for M. I am still wondering if they consider that indecent exposure.. What's a mom to do? Should have done the Christian thing and shot them the finger....

M and my lightbulb about parenting....

M just walked in and said is it the last day mommy.. I said yes... He said well, I want to go every day to bible camp cause I like it... OK child of mine that doesn't always want to get up and go to camp on Tuesday and Thursdays... now you decide this...

Here is my new revelation...You can only can control yourself and your kids take your lead. You can only change how they react by how you react! Now this doesn't always ring true with children under the age of 3. But seriously.. it is all about your reaction and how you handle yourself....

M and I were playing prisoner.. Yes, I came up with it.. I chase you around the house and sweep you up and take you into my room where my bed is a lake full of alligators...you are tickle tortured by alligators...Well, this morning, a stuffed dog was on the bed so hyenas were tickling the prisoners. M is screaming hyweena, the hyweena is getting me... I love their emerging language and some days I wish they'd always talk like that! Some days I tell Chad not to correct them. It will work itself out soon enough! Let me have a giggle until then!

B's awake now!!! time to get ready for camp! oh and our last day of swimming with Mimi!! What will we do next week without any planned activities... I'm sure we'll find some mischief!

something is missing....

Ever feel like something is missing? I do... every day...I try to squelch it or drown it out. I try to feel that void with something else... never gets full...its always still hungry. I feel like I am supposed to have another child. I feel like I need to take action to have that child now. I feel this drive or push to bring that child into my home. I don't even know how... adoption or through fertility...I am clueless, just know i need to do it. Problem is, we are not in the right place to embark on this journey. I need to get into nursing school and finish school. I need to bring home income. We don't have the cash flow to take this step. Either way, right now it isn't a viable option. The door isn't slammed shut but it feels that way. Georgia Kate was my hope, my healing and my future. I saw her as my life moving out of death and pain of Kathleen and Joshua. In the end, the pain she delivered was like no other pain I have felt. Like no pain I ever want to feel again. I think the more you want something, the more it hurts. With anything in life... a job, a house, a spouse, anything...The love I feel for a child is deeper than any emotion I have ever felt. I don't love my mom or dad the way I love my kids. I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids. So, that love, cuts to the core. Shakes your very existence and foundation. Like an earthquake and tornado in one. What's up is down but it is not that black and white. So the desire is stronger than anything I can explain. The need.... I feel it is like what an addiction feels like. A child will not "fix" my hurts and my pain. It will give me a new focus and a new path. It will bring me joy and give me another opportunity to love and cherish. There is not a better feeling in this life than loving another. It full fills me in every sense. It gives my life a higher sense of purpose. It may be selfish but if I could pick anything in the world to do, it would be to rock my babies and sing to them. It gives me such peace and brings me back center. It is a spiritual experience for me, most days. That is a feeling that drives this need. I hate his need, this twinge or desire. I wish I could pull it out of me, put it in a bag and burn it... I wish I could extinguish it before it causes more pain. I can't. I have to believe that God has a plan for me and my family and it includes filling that need. Some days I think that despite our financial status, Chad will walk in the door and say, let's do it. We'll make it work. He'll say lets go forward in faith. But I know it would add so much more stress to his life and mine and that would not be healthy for anyone in this family. I want this decision to come with a feeling of peace, not of uncertainty and added stress. I want this to be a step we take in love, not out of pressure or obligation. I don't want this joyous time to be overshadowed by poor planning and increased tension. I want this child to be right for us in every way. I know that time will come and I know that child is out there. I trust and remind myself to stay focused on hope for the future.